everything that used to be

We used to be best of friends.
Often talked about anything and everything under the sun.
He was the one I could tell my secrets to,
the one i can share my sentiments with.. my worries with.. even if it was about him.
we used to listen to each other.
We used to care about each others feelings.

my feelings were his top priority.
He was the one who worried about me whenever i was not feeling ok.
he worried too much whenever i got mad.
-- panics when i ignore him.
He used to tell me to remind him about his promises.
promised we would talk sort out our problems.

he was ever so loving.
ever so patient.

i was his everything.
he was my everything.

he made me love him.
tricked me into loving him with all i got.

now.
everything he was gradually faded away
sharing my feelings would end up in arguing.
sentiments and worries are now just feelings for my own to handle.
i got too scared of losing him that i lost my voice.
everything he was just started drifting away.
everything just faded away.
everything but my love for him.

wish i can do something.. anything to make it better.
wish i can save myself from hurt.

but i cant. im stuck.

just thinking..

what do you do if you really care about something and you noticed it's about to break?

A. would you just go along with your schedule and hope it doesn't break? OR
B. would you stop for a moment and take time to fix it before doing anything else?

i think the best way to answer this is to ask yourself :
-how important is it to you, that you should take time to fix it?
-would you be okay if it breaks without you doing anything to fix it?

would your answer be the same if these were the questions:

what would you do if you really love someone and you noticed that his/her heart is breaking ?

A. would you just go along with your schedule and hope he/she heals for him/herself? OR
B. would you stop for a moment and take time to fix the breaking heart before doing anything else?

i think the best way to answer this is to ask yourself these first:
how important is he/she to you, that you would take time to fix it?
would you be okay if it breaks without you doing anything to fix it?

-- sometimes you take things for granted and don't even take time to check on things that really matter.
--sometimes you get too busy focusing on what's making you happy right now and forget that there are more important things that need your attention.
--sometimes it breaks right before your eyes, but more often you realize too late because your attention is on other things...

then, you end up asking yourself.. were the cheap thrills worth it? was it worth spending too much time on that you end up losing something more important?

was it? tell me..was it?

Bear with Me

I hate confrontations and putting my emotions into words.
I always feel that I need to justify what i'm feeling... but most of the times, I can't.
And so, I end up scared and keep it bottled up inside instead.

It's a feeling, sometimes reasonable but more often irrational.
(And since i'm an in-born debater) ~I constantly hold an internal debate inside my head.
I come up with all the reasons to feel ok.
Although I manage to make myself see how unjustified these feelings are, 1 fact remains.
It's there.
The crushed-heart-hard-to-breathe feeling is painfully real... and I just can't shake it off.

As weak as it may sound, I feel fear.
As if, the moment I let it out, it will be used against me.
that instead of getting pacified, it's foolishness will be rubbed in my face.
that instead of understanding, it will turn out that i have no right to be so dramatic.
I know all of that already. I have done the arguing with myself.
what I need is acceptance for my unjustified hurt.
I need to feel that, even though it's senseless, immature and unfair, my feelings do matter.
I used to deny fact this to myself.
In my attempts to make me better, all I got was an even more bruised heart.
I've come to accept that this is my ugly truth, and this is my bigest flaw.
I still will try to make me better.
but for now... just bear with me.

--> stick with me despite this. help me not to get beaten up some more.

Welcome Me Back

i decided to delete my old blog.
why? -- because i read through it and found it unbearably nostalgic.
I can't even remember more than half of it.
and since I'm a bit pessimistic and emo-y (can't think of a better adjective), it cracked me up,
I ended up clicking the delete button.

i missed this... writing my heart out.
and since i feel the need for an outlet of my bottled thoughts, here i am again.
back in the blog world, hopefully with more than just a couple of entries.

So let's get started with my updates.

Aside from the fact that I've been busy with work, (my default excuse for not being able to do anything else), my life pretty much just passed by.
I can't think of anything, as of the moment, that made a significant change in me.

Ok, so i might feeling a little bit lonely lately. Add to it some questions in my head as to where I am heading. I sometimes see my future hazy and unsecured. It's a point in my life where I want the path I will be taking to be all sorted and laid-out in front of me. I don't want to stay in this rut where i feel lost on a shaky ground.

:D